There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
