I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
