my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
