If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
