i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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