hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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