Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
