i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
