Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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