please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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