A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
