I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
