I faked an abortion last night.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw