im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
