I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
