Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
