a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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