ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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