This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
