I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
