Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
