I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
