Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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