Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
me + whiskey = a bad person
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
