Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
