So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
