and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
