You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The best revenge is premature balding
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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