I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
