I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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