He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
