We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
