How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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