okay pat passed out under dana's car
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
