Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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