dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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