That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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