I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
