the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
