How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
