someone owes me an orgasm
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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