No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
