We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
