true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
