I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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