This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
