While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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