I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize