these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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