Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
