I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
