I can't breathe out the right side of my face
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
