1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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