My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
