You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
