Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
