I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
